3 posts tagged “life”

With me, I mean.  I don't know what, and I don't know what to do about it. Or rather, I DO know what I COULD do about it, but I'm fairly certain it's not an option here.

I used to read, I used to write, I used to think, I used to enjoy THINGS, a variety of things. I used to go out with people, and seek them out, and while I was never a social butterfly, I wasn't, by any means, a hermit.

But for years now, I don't do any of those things.  I think, "I should do something," but I can't work up the energy or nerve or gumption or whatever to do it.  I have a book here, that I've been reading for a while, that I really do enjoy, but I can't focus on it for more than a few minutes; when I CAN, and I finish a chapter, it's weeks before I can pick it up again.

I used to write every day, about interesting things, even if it was just for myself; these days, I can barely bring myself to hold a pen or type more than a 'hahaha' in response to something I see on facebook -- writing this now is almost physically painful.

I used to be able to think about things, all sorts of things, mundane and grand and silly and deep, and then discuss them with people and argue a point of view and it was great.  These days, even thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow at work is difficult -- there's a pea-soup fog in my mind and it's preventing me from seeing anything.

I used to go out with people, call people and say, "Hey, what's up? Wanna go out to a movie / wanna come over and hang out / wanna go out drinking?" and while I've always been a bit quiet, and not a popular guy it was good and I was social-ish; now, I go for weeks and weeks without seeing anyone outside of work and at the shops -- some days, I'll go all day without uttering a single word to anyone.  I can't bring myself to call anyone now, because I've been in this unfortunate hermit mode for so long that if I do call someone, it would be so shocking and out of the norm that either a big deal would be made, or it would just be weird and creepy.  Enough people see me as creepy as it is, I don't need to go doing things that will exacerbate it.  I can't call or write to friends back home either, because I've been out of proper contact with them for so long that I wouldn't have anything to say, and the conversation would die quickly.

Thinking about that last sentence, it's a little opposite to expectation, isn't it? (I know there's a word that means "opposite to expectation, but I can't think of it.)  I mean, surely we'd have lots of things to catch up on, and could easily talk for a while, if not for a long while.  My feeling is just that it would be a conversation of: "Hey!" "Oh hi!" "'sup?" "Nada." "..." "..." "... okay, laters!"  Even though it may not be, and intellectually, I know it probably wouldn't be like that, emotionally I'm convinced that's how it would go and that paralyzes me, preventing me from going at it.

Going out just on my own, to a bar or a coffee shop, or wherever, with the idea that, maybe, I could make a new friend... that's pretty much impossible too, I've found. And it's not JUST that I'm a huge foreign guy, and people will assume I don't speak their language at all and thus won't talk to me, though that is definitely a factor.  Even people on the street, they never respond when I greet them, and it's rude.  But is it them being rude, or is there something, beyond my giant foreignness that's causing it? 

When I go out, I always feel that people are watching me, glaring at me, judging me.  Paranoia!  And though, being a giant white guy in Japan, I feel this does fall into a "just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't doing what I think they're doing" sort of situation, as it were, maybe I'm over the top? Maybe my paranoia gives me a suspicious glare on my face that keeps people from approaching me.  Maybe the fact that people don't respond when I greet them gives me an angry glare that keeps people from responding when I greet them, as I anticipate their nonresponsiveness.  I don't know.

Add into all of this the fact that I'm sleeping 12 hours a day lately, and yeah, something's not right, upstairs.

Internet suggests depression, but if that's the case, I've been depressed for a decade, and it's just gotten worse in recent years.  Internet also suggests manic depression, but with only one episode that I could truly call "manic" (my week of happiness in September, perhaps you recall), one wonders if it counts.  Of course, as is always the risk when looking up health-related things on the internet, perhaps I'm just cyberchondriacing a bit. (Aside: Firefox spellcheck does not mark 'cyberchondriacing' as an error, which is a surprise, really.)  Perhaps I just THINK I'm depressed because I read about depression and I'm easily impressionable -- it's not impossible.

The best way to put it to rest once and for all would be to speak to a mental health professional about it. Problem is, I'm fairly certain that mental health evaluations don't work so well in languages you barely speak.  Besides, if there's stigma about people with mental health issues in North America, they'd be amplified here. Everyone would know, "Ah, there's the foreign loony, quick, hide the children!"  Within hours everyone would know, and the PTA would have an emergency meeting about me. 

By now, some readers (I know I have one or two? though probably 0.5, since this is tl;dr) are thinking, "Well, one of his points is that he can't write anymore, but look at him rambling on like no one's business! This entire thing is poppycock, and I'll have none of it!"  Look, I don't get it, so I don't truly expect you to.  I can't write about things I want to write about, or about things people want to read about.  This? This is truly shocking to me, that I'm able to write like this tonight.

Tomorrow will come, and I'll be stupid again.

For a week in September, though, it was great! I was lucid, I could read, I could think, there was no fog, everything was beautiful, people were nice to me, greeted me -- everything was good.  Then it all went away.  The fact that I could do it then, and couldn't do it before or after suggests... something.  It certainly goes to support my theory that my constant negative mood is expressed on my face and that's why people are mean to me; that week, my mood was positive and great and would have been reflected on my face and people noticed and spoke to me and treated me like a person instead of a thing.

People I spoke to that week who know me, or people who got postcards from me that I wrote that week who know me -- they all asked me if I was feeling alright, if I was high on something.  In retrospect, I suppose I must have been altered, at least compared to normal.  The change in my mood was so abrupt that it couldn't possibly have been 'natural'.

If we call my current mood a -2, my typical unhappiness a -1, and my episode in September a +2, where oh where is my 0?

Look, I don't know. I know that something is wrong, but I don't know how to fix it. I have no idea.

I know I sound like a stuck emo record these days, but bear with me, yes?

I'm watching some random Japanese drama, with some woman breaking into some apartment, and the guy who lives there being like UWAA WHO ARE YOU GET OUT (before he comes to accept her being there because she's clearly nonthreatening -- you know, a situation that only works in fiction), and the woman spending the entire first episode trying to find out about the guy's girlfriend. Problem is, the girlfriend is actually his boyfriend.

最近、ドラマを見ている。「ビューティフルサンデイ」というドラマです。内容でゲイなカップルがいる。

When the boyfriend finally shows up and things get cleared up a bit, their relationship is just so nice.  It's like, the kind of relationship I imagine having.  Problem though, is that it seems like I'll be single forever (cliche emo expression GO!)

そのカップルの関係はすごく良かったと思う。そのような二人暮らし(?)の人生は私が夢で見るものです。でもね、問題があるよ。私がいつも独身になるように思えます。

The other night I was at a barbecue with people from the Board of Education, and, you know, I've been here 4 full years now, and I've always been alone, and I guess they're kind of worried?  They were kidding around and suggesting one of the newbs and I would make a nice couple, which is fine and well for a joke.  Others of them have made serious attempts in the past to play matchmaker for me, but it's clearly never been right.  It's not that the girls they try to match me with aren't nice -- I'm sure they are.  I just don't swing that way.

先日の夜でバーベキューへ行った、同僚と共に。ここで4年間過ごしたね。でも、その間に、いつも独身している。同僚は「あっ、さみしくない？」って訊いて、「やっ、大丈夫です！」って答えます。まぁ、彼らは私のためにちょっと心配しているかも。誰かが「ああ！ニューメンバー！彼とナイスカップル作ってくださいね！」って言った。それはジョークだよね。いいわ。．．．けど時々、彼らはまじめに女の子に私を紹介する。「こちらはいい女の子よ。きれいですね？じゃ、一緒にデートしようか？」それはありがたいですが、正しくないっす。その女達は本当にいい人だが．．．私は、女が興味ないっす。

And it's not that I'm really closeted, as such.  I don't lie about my orientation -- if asked, I'm straightforward about it. I don't go around telling everyone about it though, because for most of them, it shouldn't be a relevant portion of our acquaintance, you know?

実は、私はゲイですが、閉じ込められないです。訊かれるなら、「はい、ゲイだよ」って絶対に答える。しかし、例えば、仕事中で「あっ、みなさん、おはようございます！ところで、私はホモだよ！よろしくね！」って全然言わないっす。そのことが秘密じゃないけど、同僚の人がそれを知っていることはいらないだね。

Anyway, I've digressed a bit -- let me get back on track.

あぁ、この話は複雑多岐になったね。こめんね。もう一回始まるよ。

I'm lonely.  So very lonely.  It's my own fault, of course.  I'm a social retard -- I apparently missed the requisite life lessons in the "getting along with people" chapter of the text.  It's not even the "I'm a gay guy in Japan, and I'm dodgy at the language at best" thing that's making it difficult. If I was straight, I'd still be in the same situation, or in an English-speaking country.  Look, just let me break it down.

私はさびしいだよ。すごくさびしいよ。もちろん、私のせいです。社会的に遅れます。人がある日、誰かが「社会では、これは友達を作る方法です。そして、これは関係作り方です」って教えた。しかし、私の場合、そのレッスンがスキップしました。まぁ、日本にいるから、私は日本語が上手くないからそれがちょっと難しいだけど、カナダにいれば、まだ難しいと思う。じゃ、簡単に説明したい。

REQUIRED STEPS TO ENTER A RELATIONSHIP AND THEREBY NOT BE ALONE
1) Meet new people -- the more the better.
Problem 1: How do you meet people?  I couldn't do it in Canada, and I sure as hell can't do it here.  I mean, I do meet new people, but it's always people I have a specific reason to know, or who have a reason to know me. Co-workers, acquaintances of co-workers, people at city hall.  That sort of thing.  Meeting people outside of the, "Well, we're in the same place a lot of the time, it would be stupid to not get to know each other a little bit" situation though -- how?  I don't understand it.

関係作り方/さびしくないになる方法
１）新しい人々に会って（より多くであって、より陽気です。）
問題第1：新しい人々に会うことはどうやって？カナダでは、その事が出来なかったから、もちろんここもできない。まぁ、新しい人を時々会いますが、その人々はいつも仕事の関して人だ。同僚ですね。同僚以外人が会いたいけど、どうやって？全然わからん、私。

Let's assume, though, that one manages to meet a bunch of new people, that brings us to the next step.
2) Find someone who you are interested in, keeping in mind that not everyone will be interested in you.
Problem: Really, there shouldn't be a problem, really.  You know what you like, and unless you're stunned, you should be able to pick up cues as to whether the other party is interested in you or not.  If there's a mutual attraction, go for it. If not, move on. As a gay guy, though, it seems there's an extra layer of difficulty.  If I were straight, wherever I went, I could operate on the assumption that, even if all the women were taken/not interested in my type/etc., they'd still be interested in me, generally, AS A GUY.  Gaydar isn't all it's cracked up to be, though, especially when it's not tuned for Japanese guys.  How to tell? Narrow the options by going to a place frequented by the type of person you're looking for, I guess, so if you want gay guys, go to a gay bar. Simple! But where are they?

でもね、私が新しい人々に会うことができると仮定しましょう。次のポイントに続きましょう。
２）新しい人々の中で、興味ある人咲かして。
問題第2：問題があるべきじゃないね。あなたのお好むことがよく知っているね。そして、あなたは、だれかがあなたに興味を持っているかどうか言うことができますね。お互いのアトラクションがあれば、じゃ、いいですね！頑張ってください！お互いのアトラクションガ内の場合、続いてください。ね！でも、ゲイですか、もう一つの難しいことがあるかな。まず、「あっ、この人はゲイですか？」の問題だね。もちろん、ゲイの人を相対の場合、ゲイバーへ行く方がいいけど．．．どこでしょう？

2a) Once you find a person you're interested in, try to get to know them, gauge the extent of mutual attraction.
Problem: People I meet fall into a variety of categories. (1) People who aren't gay (2) gay guys who aren't into fatties (can't blame them really), and (3) gay guys who are into fatties, but who are also fucking creepy weirdos.  People in (1) clearly don't fulfill the requirement of this little exercise; (2) doesn't either, and that's fine, because if that's not their type, that's not their type, yes? As for (3), you'd think there'd be guys who are into fatties, but not weirdos, but they all are. It's not a thing of, "I like you, you're cool, and you're a fattie and I don't mind,", but rather, "Oh, you're a fattie and that's TOTALLY MY KINK, and I'm TOTALLY WEIRD ABOUT IT."  Which isn't to say that there's anything wrong with having a fattie fetish -- I just want more than someone who's going to fetishize me.

２ａ）興味ある人を会って、互いのアトラクションの範囲を調べて
問題第2ａ：私と会う人について、3種類がある。ひとつ、ゲイじゃない人。二つ、ゲイ人けど私は空のタイプじゃない。三つ、ゲイの人、私が彼のタイプの人、でも、奇妙な人。一番目は私の探す人じゃない。二番目はいいけど私のこと好きじゃないから、探す人じゃないね。三番目はいいかな？しかし、「あぁ、君はいい人、好きだよ。そして、あなたはすごくタイプだよ。良かったね！」と感じます人がいない。「あっ！あなたの系は俺のフェッチだよ！やらないか？」と感じます人がいっぱいです。そのことは大丈夫けど．．．私のお好むことじゃないだね。分かる？これを説明することは難しいよ。

3) ???
Assuming you find someone for whom you share a mutual attraction, everything after that, though not easy, seems like it would be more straightforward. If you do go out a few times, you're already over the (i) meeting the person, (ii) determining if they're interested.  From then on, it's just about give and take and getting to know each other.  It's not as easy as all that -- I am simplifying a bit -- but you know what I mean, right?

３）？？？
そのあと、難しくないになるね。普通の社会中連絡だね。まぁ、「難しくない」じゃないけど難しさが下がるね。

4) PROFIT!

４）出来ました！

I'm rambling and thinking about this all wrong, I'd imagine.  I can't even really articulate what I mean, exactly.  It's kind of what I've said here, only... you know, more eloquent and better organized.

この話長いな。そして、この考えはバカなことだね。でも、わかるかい？私の心。

Look, the point is, I'm lonely, and though I sorta kinda know how to rectify that situation and thereby find a nice guy to share my life with, it's the details that I don't get. It's not even the fine details (though those, too, are incomprehensible to me), it's the broad ones.

じゃ、簡潔に。私はさびしいですが、さびしくないになる方法が全然分からないっす。

I'm 27 and two-fifths.  I want to move my life to the next stage! I want to... nest, for want of a better term.  Unfortunately, my social retardation means that though, in some ways, I'm kinda smart, when it comes to this stuff I'm the anti-savant.

27.4歳だよ、私。人生をネクストステージへ行きたい！でも、どうやって？

Don't know why I even wrote this, it's not like any of you can fix my problems.  It's just the emo kick I'm on! Emos have to share how emo they are, don't they? (shrug)

失礼しました。なぜこれを書いたかを知りません。あなたは私の問題を修正できませんね。いずれにせよ、読んでくださったありがとう。

Kowakian Monkey-Lizard continues to be an incompetent twatface. I had to fuck off out of class several times today so that I didn't call her out.

Then at lunchtime, though she had driven me to eat, I climbed to my roof and worked on my tan. Only 20 minutes on each side, not enough for much, but I didn't burn, and it's a good acclimatization thingeree.  Skin cancer what?

I'm still concerned about trash. We'll see how it goes on Sunday.  :/  I am compromising, and taking my cans and PET bottles to the supermarket to dispose of; I considered putting them out on the appropriate day, but there's only one pick up a month, and with four 500ml bottles a day, yeah I just decluttered my kitchen, fuck you.

I'm bored and wanna do something but I'm broke so I'm sitting at home watching Boston Legal. Tom Selleck just asked Candice Bergen to be his best man at his wedding to a crazy wacko.

Here, have a video of kids singing and swaying and making me seasick.